Things That Suck

When you try out a new recipe for chocolate chip cookies, and it's LAME. And the cookies are UGLY. Especially when you already have your old stand-by recipe for chocolate chip cookies, that ROCKS, but you don't use it because you're trying to be OPEN-MINDED and you just NEVER KNOW when you're going to happen upon a GEM OF A RECIPE. But then that recipe you're trying turns out to be more PYRITE (thank you Geology 100) than GEM and you just wasted twenty minutes mixing ingredients together in VAIN.

Also: FOLDING LAUNDRY.

A Guilt Trip From Big Brother

I thought I would share a few gems with ya'll concerning the actual process itself of Facebook deactivation. Big Brother, er, excuse me, Facebook tries in any way possible to dissuade you from doing this.

Case #1: Big Brother asks "Are you sure you want to deactivate your account?" and then proceeds to tell you exactly who will miss you. I couldn't help but notice, however, that Big Brother selected people who represent some of my most cherished memories . . . ?!?!?

Interestingly, Big Brother does not post the actual profile pictures of these people . . . he posts pictures of you with them! A sly attempt to chisel into the subconscious, perhaps?

The people who will miss me are as follows:

1. Jacob Thompson. I believe I have previously mentioned him in this blog as my co-star in the 4th grade Christmas play. Coincidence that Big Brother selects a person so intrinsically tied to the apex of my tenure in elementary school? I think not.

2. Marty Whitmer. A guy I ran track with in high school. Our team won the state championship my senior year. Coincidence that Big Brother selects a person so intrinsically tied to the apex of my high school experience? I think not.

3. Brock Boyce. Coincidence that Big Brother selects a person so intrinsically tied to the apex of MY LIFE?!?!? I think not.

4. Elsie Pulupuna. My roommate for ten days this past semester during the National Model United Nations conference in NYC (which BYU won). It was by far the best week of my semester, and Elsie is, by far, the funniest girl I have ever met. Coincidence that Big Brother selects a person so intrinsically tied to the apex of this past semester? I think not.

5. Darby Laronde. Deseret Towers floormate during freshman year. S Hall. 6th floor. BYU 94th ward. The year I met Brock. My favorite year at BYU. Coincidence that Big Brother selects a person so intrinsically tied to the apex of my college experience? I think not.

Case #2: You are asked to select a reason for why you are deactivating your account. For each possible reason Big Brother gives you, there is a counter to that reason which pops up as soon as you select it. Desperate, much?

Case #3: Upon deactivation, Facebook immediately sends you an email with a reactivation link. Cheap shot, Big Brother. Cheap shot.

I'm half-expecting Mark Zuckerberg to show up outside my window one of these days blaring Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" from a boombox.

Deactivating Facebook

In a status update this morning, I made the announcement that I would deactivate my account within the next 24 hours. I did so partly for dramatic effect, but mostly because I knew that by making a public statement, I wouldn't back out!

Here are some of the reactions this status update received:

If you didn't know any better, you might think that my status read: "Kristi is dropping out of college to become an exotic dancer at Charlie Sheen's Ho Factory."(And Charlie Sheen, if you're reading this, I officially claim any and all rights--animation and otherwise--to the "Charlie Sheen's Ho Factory" name and brand.)

Anyway, this isn't so much of a Facebook renunciation as it is an abstention. I'm just going to deactivate my account for two weeks so I can hopefully break this nasty habit I've developed...a nasty habit which I presume many of you have also developed...which, scientifically, is known as facebookea addictus.

I debated for a while over whether I really was or was not an "addict." But after a while, it became hard for me to argue that I wasn't...

• Checking FB is one of the first things I do in the morning
• I do it in between classes
• I do it on my breaks at work
• I do it when I get home
• I do it when I'm stressed
• I do it when I'm bored
• I do it before I go to sleep

If this doesn't sound like the life of a smoker, I don't know what does!

Yet unlike smoking, Facebook isn't something that is inherently bad. There are a lot of good points to it--you can easily keep in contact with hundreds of people, share ideas, share news, share laughs, etc. It can be enriching, but to a point. After that, it tends to stifle. Unfortunately, I think I've reached said point. I find myself as of late doing less of the whole sharing-ideas-and-news thing and more of the I-think-I'll-scroll-through-dozens-of-meaningless-status-updates thing.
I'll be M.I.A. these next couple weeks as I wean myself off my constant Facebooking habit. All you LOST addicts out there (now that's a GOOD addiction!) know that there's a white side and a black side to everything. I feel as if I've let myself become sucked into the M.I.B. (Man in Black) Facebook. By taking a little time off, hopefully I can reorient myself and begin using the Jacob Facebook.

See you all in a couple weeks!

Are You Desperate and Available??

If so, then today's your lucky day! Your perfect match awaits.

I found this flyer today outside the BYU library:

"We may not be the sharpest tools in the shed, but we have great personalities! We can try to make all your dreams come true! Don't be shy and give us a call, or maybe a text, either way we don't mind because we are 'Desperate & Available'.

Don't let these charming pictures fool you . . . underneath we are shy, innocent, tender-hearted lost souls that are simply looking for an eternal companion. So call fast! The weekend is drawing near and we would love to fill our nights with you!!"

***

This reminds me of when I found an advertisement on the Provo Craigslist for kissing lessons offered by a group of experienced, entrepreneurial "specialists."

Only at BYU.

XTREME FORTING

I'd like to think that Brock and I aren't the only married couple that sits around forlornly in their living room on Saturday nights wondering what to do with themselves. The combination of few friends and even fewer funds frequently foments forgettable...fweekends.

Last Saturday night, we mulled over some of the more desirable activities we could come up with:

1. See "Iron Man 2"
2. Go dancing at The Loft
3. Grab late-night appetizers and mocktails at Spark

Unfortunately, we had serious issues with these (namely, that they each cost more than $10). That is why, at approximately 10pm, we found ourselves hovering over the laptop together and googling "fun cheap things to do in Provo on a saturday night."

The first link that came up from our search was entitled "101 Things to do on a Saturday Night."

Manna from heaven
Our Saturday undeadened
At forty-seven

IT'S A HAIKU, PEOPLE.

Tell me this isn't a sick sick fort!

Can you play Wii from your fort?? Didn't think so!!!

Man, I love the great outdoors!!

Nothin' like warm-n-toasty MICROWAVED s'mores!

And this, my friends, is what we like to call XTREME FORTING. Next on the docket: XTREME FARTING. Oh wait, we already do that. EVERY DAY. 

Because we're XTREME like that. 

AND IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

Deleting Facebook Friends

I have noticed a trend amongst my FB friends. It has now officially been four years since I graduated high school, and a vast majority of my peers have graduated college are entering the workforce. A requisite side-effect of this, it seems, is noticeable changes to one's FB profile resulting from a "cleaned house." Yes, it's time to be ADULTY. Now cognizant that prospective employers will be looking at their FB pages, a person's picture count will drop from 1,700 to 300 as they un-tag all vestiges of four drunken years. Their "Favorite Quotes" section will suddenly contain the likes of Thoreau, Faulkner, and Fitzgerald, rather than something crude their BFF said during a round of beer-pong. I have even had friends whose FB profiles were so incriminating, that they deleted them entirely and started anew. While it may seem like I'm poking fun at these people, in reality what they're doing is very, very smart. 

One aspect of this "cleaning house" phenomenon that I have not yet mentioned is perhaps the most dreaded task of all: Deleting friends. I have seen friend counts drop from 1000+ to 250 or lower. And when this happens I can't help but think...

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A BIT TOO SELECTIVE?!?

I say this because I, too, once tried to do this. I looked at my friend count of 800+ and resolved to get that down to my bare bones friends--the ones I would die without! The ones who I couldn't imagine never speaking to again! The ones I truly, truly cared for! In a flurry of deletions, pages and pages of people were gone! It felt so clean...so right...I breathed a sigh of relief and returned to my profile page to take at look at my new bare bones friend count.

630.

What? How could this be?? I'd been heartless, nay, cutthroat in my selectivity! But apparently not cutthroat enough, so I went back to have a second go at it, starting from the very beginning.

I realized this was going to be harder than I anticipated. Jacob Thompson? As if! We were the leads in the fourth-grade Christmas play together! Emily Rubin? You can't just delete your token Jewish friend. I even went to her bat mitzvah...straight up legit right there. And we just happened to be on the same flight from JFK to DIA one time, which was way random. The universe obviously still wants us to be friends. Brodie Wright? Um hellooo he's BLACK. Well, not really black. Like Obama black. In any case, deleting him could be racist. Not to mention I KISSED HIM ONE TIME. We only talked to each other once after that...but STILL. You can't just delete a BLACK PERSON THAT YOU KISSED IN PROVO. That's like a once-in-a-century occurrence.

As I scrolled through my friend list and attempted to muster the heart (or lack of heart?) to delete people, I realized that it was a futile effort. Maybe I'm too much of a softie, but I think deleting FB friends is like deleting memories. Or like throwing away the little puzzle pieces that make up your life. But just because people hold a tiny place in my heart doesn't mean that they're not in there at all.

Things That I Think Are Weird . . .

1. Girls who don't weigh 120 lbs...but who dress like they do. Heaven knows I'm nowhere near 120, but at least I am aware  of this and I dress like it. Verily, verily I say unto you, I've learned to ROCK my 140 el bees of woman like it's nobody's bidness. 

2. Girls who have a designated "picture pose." My favorite is what I like to call the Vanna White. It goes a little something like this:

• twist half of your body to a slight angle, facing the camera
• arch your back/jut your boobs out
• lock one knee, pop the other out in front
• daintily point your foot
• place one hand on your waist
• tilt your head slightly downward for subtle sex appeal
• smile

Really? Really? I think casting calls for "The Stepford Wives" ended like seven years ago.

Two Things Every White Person Must Do

• Go on a humanitarian trip to an African nation. If possible, avoid South Africa as your country of choice (too Euro). As a general rule, the more obscure, the better. Equatorial Guinea, Gabon, Eritrea and Malawi are optimal choices. Bonus points for going to somewhere that's been in the news for ethnic/religious conflicts and/or human rights violations (DRC, Nigeria, Sudan, Sierra Leone, Rwanda). The more dangerous the country is to visit, the bigger your white heart must be. But do NOT, under ANY circumstances, forget to take a picture with an African baby and post it as your FB profile pic.

• Buy a Prius.

Inductive Logic At Its Finest

Exchange between my mother and two youngest brothers (Connor, age five, and Caden, age seven).

Mom: "Caden and Connor! Time to get in the shower!"
Connor: "Mom, I think I have diarrhea."
Mom: "Make sure you wash your bum good with the soap."
Caden: "I call the soap first!"