The Best of SkyMall

What airplane seat pocket would be complete without a few dried children's boogers and the latest issue of SkyMall? SkyMall  is like QVC for non-Midwesterners. Need a $100 pool float? No? WELL, NOW YOU DO. Because there it is, in SkyMall, with that white woman who just looks so happy using it. (Oh, yes. In the 111-page issue of the Late Spring 2012 issue, I counted one minority.)

In honor of everything this aerial garage sale has to offer, I present to you: The SkyMall  Awards.

THE "EXPLOITATION OF NEUROTIC PET OWNERS" AWARD

360 Stainless Steel Fountain: $100 "The 360 Stainless Steel Fountain provides up to five, free-falling water streams improving your pet's health by encouraging them to drink more." 

THE "FOR DESPERATE ATTENTION-SEEKERS ONLY" AWARD: IT'S A TIE!

Orbitwheels: $100 "A cross between a skateboard and inline skates, but with more freedom and simplicity than either." (Also with less getting-laid potential than either.)

Large Super Skate Sail: $80 "A great new way to get both adults and kids outside and moving if they're sitting around the TV too much."

THE "MOMMY GOT PAID $50 FOR ME TO MODEL THIS PRODUCT AND SWEARS SHE PUT IT IN MY 529 ACCOUNT" AWARD

Seatbelt Comfort Device: $10 "A poorly fitting seatbelt can cause irritation, pain, choking and general discomfort while driving or riding." Choking, eh? Really?  

THE "BLATANT SNUGGIE TRADEMARK VIOLATION" AWARD

The Slanket: $33 "Here's the best blanket--hands down--for snuggling up with a book or laptop computer." HANDS DOWN . . . GET IT???

THE "SATANTIC CAT" AWARD: IT'S A TIE!

The Litter Kwitter: $50 "With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less."

Litter Robot: $360 "Self-cleaning litter box features a patented sifting process that automatically activates 7 minutes after the cat leaves the box, transferring waste into a hidden drawer, leaving the globe with fresh clean litter for the next use." In other words: YOU JUST SPENT NEARLY 400 BUCKS TO CLEAN UP YOUR CAT'S SHIT.

THE "MY INFRARED SAUNA IS PORTABLE, DAWG, SO SUCK ON THAT" AWARD

Portable Infrared Sauna: $400 "The extra large Portable Infrared Sauna provides relief from pain, arthritis and joint stiffness and it promotes healthy weight loss without hormonal imbalance."

THE "WAS A PICTURE OF A PEEING DOG REALLY NECESSARY" AWARD

Dog Trainer Device: $30 "Our Dog Trainer Device quickly trains your puppy or adult dog to use a designated area of your yard." And here is an action shot for proof.

THE "LLOYD BLANKFEIN" AWARD

33-piece Leather Conference Room Set: $1482 Yes. $1500 smackers for this. Divided into 75 easy payments of $19.99!

THE "SO REDNECK IT'S AWESOME" AWARD

Original Redneck Glassware: $15-$30 "Redneck class in a long-stem glass; your moonshine never had it this good. Elevates the fine art of drinking out of a jelly jar." OK, I seriously want these. Not kidding.

THE "YOU KNOW WHAT THIS ROOM IS MISSING? AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH PILLOW" AWARD

Food Pillows: $20 "We dreamed we ate an ice cream sandwich and when we woke up our pillow was gone . . . Completely dreamy pillows look like the real thing, right down to the delicious detailing." For a classy touch, go with the sushi.

THE "AND THIS IS WHY EUROPEANS MAKE FUN OF AMERICAN FASHION" AWARD

Animated Shark and Raptor Hoodies: $42 "Use it to work your way through a crowd--or just to amaze young ones." Like Crocs for your elbows.

THE "NEW BEDTIME RITUAL" AWARD

Fireworks In My Room: $45 "It's like the Fourth of July, each and every night. Create a new bedtime ritual by shooting off the realistic laser-light fireworks that burst and expand beautifully on your walls and ceiling." I really just posted this picture for the kid's face. Awesome.

THE "RODIN IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE" AWARD

Squirrel Thinker: $25 "'Now where did I leave those nuts?' He may not be the smartest squirrel in the squad, but he does do a great imitation of a great work of art. That counts for something, right?" One question: "Squirrel in the squad??"  Is that a thing now?

THE "LET'S SCARE THE GRANDKIDS" AWARD

Skel-E-Gnomes: $40 "These overworked garden friends will make your neighbors and passersby look twice. They've been garden-guarding so long they're nothing but skin and bones."

THE "COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE PURCHASE" AWARD

Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti Statue: $1500 I want to meet the person who spent $1500 for a life-size Bigfoot statue. Does such a person exist? Are they married? Are they rich? So many questions.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER! 

THE "WHAT THE FUUUUHH" AWARD

The Zombie of Montclaire Moors Statue: $100 

And This Is Why My Marriage Works

I spent all afternoon today writing cover letters for various job applications.

Later, the mister and I had a little, shall we say, dispute. We were both just dumb. I was more upset that I had to go run and it was still  95 degrees outside (at 8pm!), and Brock was cranky because he'd just woken up from a nap and didn't want to join me on said run.

This dispute  culminated in me walking (OKAY, OKAY...storming) out the door to run alone. When I got back, Brock had taken Mojo out for a walk.

A piece of paper laid outside the door.

Brock A. Boyce

Our Address

His Cell

His Email

______________________________________________________________________________

Kristina R. Boyce

Boyce Household

Our Address

June 22, 2012

Dear Mrs. Boyce:

           

With bachelor’s degrees in Mathematics and Communications, I offer the Boyce Household creative problem-solving abilities along with polished interpersonal dishwashing skills—a unique combination that I believe qualifies me for an apology acceptance.

I showed my problem-solving abilities as dinner-cooker for tonight’s meal. Although food was scarce, I managed to include several variables—potatoes, cheese, salsa, vegetable oil, and my love for you—to creatively prepare California burritos to satisfy the need. I have shown time and time again my abilities to please your tummy, from French toast on your birthday to…well…French toast on every other day. I feel that this alone should incline you to accept my apology for being a jackass.

I always try to go the extra mile, as you can see from the dishes I washed. Most people would stop at merely soaking the dishes, but not me. With careful, yet firm, hands, I made sure every wet cheese clump was rubbed off the spoons and bowls. I am excited to use these hands to give you scratchies as your new and improved husband—that is, if you accept my apology.

I am available for make-up sex immediately, and am prepared to apologize at your request.

Sincerely,

Brock Boyce  

Unpopular Proverb

Inspired by Teddy Wayne's series on McSweeney's Internet Tendency. 

On Habits

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, but wealthy people are notorious night owls and wise people didn't necessarily get that way due to their sleeping habits. I think we have an endogeniety problem on our hands--do wise people engage in healthy sleep patterns? Or is wisdom a result of healthy sleep patterns? I submit that further research is required.

Two Boxes

I still have it, sitting in one of the two black boxes I keep in my closet. I tell myself I'm not sentimental, and I suppose that's partly true. You can't be too sentimental about things if you ever want to purge your house of clutter, which I do regularly. (Organization helps me think better.)

But there it sits in a mangled mess of treasures: Old ticket stubs, love letters, poems, small gifts, a song. The insides of those boxes are allowed to be disorganized.

Huey Lewis and the News: Greatest Hits. I can't remember why Brock bought it for me. It wasn't like I was a die-hard fan or anything. All I remember is him and I belting out "DO YOUUUU BELIEVE IN LOOOOVE??? DO YOU BELIEVE IT'S TRUUUUE???" across Highway 6 in my 1993 Audi with the window that I had to duct tape shut.

He was meeting my family for the first time. I remember sitting down on the bathroom floor with my mom late one night, talking about this Brock  fellow. He was quite the charmer, I admitted, but I wasn't about to get ahead of myself. My mom was relieved.

I didn't know what I was doing when I got married. (I still don't.) But I knew  that I believed in love. And today--five years later--I'd like to thank my parents for that.

They were flabbergasted when I got engaged. My mother was literally crying on the phone when Brock called to ask for permission ("Don't you think she's a little young??"). Well, guess what? They only have themselves to blame. And I hope they do. I hope they take responsibility for the daughter who knew how to spot a good man because she'd been raised by one. For the daughter who was okay with not having all the answers because she knew her mother gave the best advice. For the daughter who believed in love because she grew up in a home that was filled with it. I'm celebrating my fifth year of marriage today because of two people who are in their twenty-sixth. They are the reason why two disorganized black boxes sit in my closet.

It's fitting, really. Organization implies finiteness--beginning, middle, end. But my love story doesn't really have a beginning that I can pinpoint, because it didn't really start with Brock. It started with my parents (even though I have no boxes to show for it). And their story started with their  parents. And on and on and on and on all the way back to distant ancestors whose names are lost. But they--whoever they were--had love stories, too. And maybe they kept letters and poems and songs in boxes.

Someday in the future when our names are the lost ones, a young woman will lie in a quiet bed. She'll be thinking back on her nameless great-grandsomethings, wondering what their love story was. I doubt my two boxes will be around by then. (She won't need them--believers never do.) She'll yawn, kiss her husband goodnight, and whatever wispy thought she had of us will become a dream.

I'm sure it will be a lovely dream.

At Stuart Falls in one of the first pictures we ever took together. Fall 2006.