The Attractiveness Theorem

Every iota, every shred of confidence I had, evaporated when I saw her.

How was I supposed to hold on to any sense of pride after I saw her on campus? Yes, her. Gorgeous Girl. What with her striking bone structure, wispy, shimmering blonde hair, flawless skin, piercing blue eyes and tiny frame. I immediately began hoping I was smarter than her. Funnier. More athletic. Anything--any superlative!--to help me regain the self-worth that had been so violently ripped out from under me.

Just as I was about to go home and self-medicate with Ding Dongs and stretchy pants, I came to a quasi-philosophical epiphany: Gorgeous Girl wasn't just pretty. She was debilitatingly pretty.

The implications of this were vast and unbounded! Immediately, my mind went into the throes of deep existential thought. Kierkegaard? Rousseau? Hobbes? Nietzsche? HA! Has-beens! Wannabes! Poseurs!

My friends, I present to you the Attractiveness Theorem. It's short, sweet, and slightly Machiavellian.

The ideal state of being is to possess enough physical attractiveness to help get you ahead in life, but not so much as to inhibit others from taking you seriously or appreciating your other qualities.

Allow me to elaborate. Studies in various fields have shown that an attractive person is more likely to get a job than an equally-qualified average-looking person. It's not mean, it's human nature. It's how humans have perpetuated and protected the species throughout eons of time. Why do men like blondes? Because traditionally, blonde hair has been a sign of fertility. Why do they like big, curvy hips? Because they're good for child-bearing. Big boobs? Good for nursing. (And bouncy and jiggly and stuff.)

Ah, but this goes both ways, you see! Why do women traditionally prefer athletic types? Because they're more likely to succeed in the hunt. Why do we prefer thick hair over baldness? It's a sign of youth and virility. 

We've all heard the saying "If you've got it, flaunt it." Here's the thing: Everybody has it. Forgive me for going all Tyra Banks on you, but I really believe that. But some people are what I like to call debilitatingly good-looking. The particularly pulchritudinous may never know whether they got the job on the basis of their personal merits because they are just too attractive. Wouldn't that gnaw at you, especially if you were extremely qualified and competent? So for those of you who find yourself in the 6-8 region of the 10-point scale: REJOICE!

***

It's highly likely that this is just roundabout way of making myself feel better over the fact that I don't have porcelain skin, that I couldn't fit into size 4 jeans if my life depended on it, that my teeth are big and slightly bucky, that my natural hair color is called "ash," etc, etc, etc.

But you know what? I'm happy. I got it.

Or at least enough of it, anyway.