That Brock and I do not have a perfect marriage.
Got it?
It's been brought to my attention several times during the last few months that some people think this. And it frustrates me because I actively try not to portray things that way. (One of my biggest pet peeves is "mommy bloggers" and the like whose social media escapades give off the appearance of them having it all together. Who does?!)
It's hard, though, because you don't want to broadcast the negative--not just for the bad vibes it sends out, but rough patches should be a personal matter between you and your spouse. Even so, I do write about hard times that Brock and I are having, insecurities I have as a wife, the mundane, and spats that we get into. Usually with a dose of humor, since that makes everything easier to swallow.
Don't get me wrong: Brock and I are really happy together. But the interesting thing about marriage is that just because you're happy doesn't mean it's easy. Believe me when I say that fiery arguments are far from uncommon between us. It's a constant struggle to fix the things you need to improve upon as a couple and as an individual. What's more, we're both very headstrong and opinionated (imagine Newt Gingrich marrying himself), so when we come to blows, we come to blows.
Thankfully, we're quick to forgive and Brock is very patient (I'M WORKIN' ON IT, OKAY???????). More importantly, we're committed. Watch out ya'll, because I'm about to quote "The Bachelor" all up in hurrr: I remember watching the season premiere a few weeks ago, and Nikki was talking about her first marriage and why it failed. She said something to the extent of "After a few years, it just wasn't the same. There was no spark, we weren't the same couple." I wanted to yell at the television saying WTF GIRRRRRRL WHAT DO YOU THINK MARRIAGE IS??? YOU SHOULDN'T BE THE SAME COUPLE THE WHOLE TIME. YOU GROW AND ADJUST AND DEVELOP TOGETHER, IDJIT. (Yes, I said "idjit" in my brain. No, I am not thirteen years old.)
The wonderful (and sometimes scary) aspect of Mormon marriages is that we believe the covenants we make to each other are eternal. None of this til-death-do-us-part business. So you'd freaking better learn to like the one you love because they're gonna be around for a loooooong time.
Something I've learned along the way is that you can never think your marriage is "safe." What I mean by that is the mentality of Oh! We reached the 1/2/3/4/5/20-year mark! If we can make it this far, we can do anything! We're going to be together forever! As soon as you start thinking like that, you're screwed. Marriage isn't a game, it's a process. Whether you've been married for four months or forty years, your chance of success is just as good as everyone else's: 50/50.
I had a professor at BYU who put things perfectly:
Our marriage is rocky sometimes just like everyone else's, promise.
And sometimes it's ROCKY!!!!!!!!
Got it?
It's been brought to my attention several times during the last few months that some people think this. And it frustrates me because I actively try not to portray things that way. (One of my biggest pet peeves is "mommy bloggers" and the like whose social media escapades give off the appearance of them having it all together. Who does?!)
It's hard, though, because you don't want to broadcast the negative--not just for the bad vibes it sends out, but rough patches should be a personal matter between you and your spouse. Even so, I do write about hard times that Brock and I are having, insecurities I have as a wife, the mundane, and spats that we get into. Usually with a dose of humor, since that makes everything easier to swallow.
Don't get me wrong: Brock and I are really happy together. But the interesting thing about marriage is that just because you're happy doesn't mean it's easy. Believe me when I say that fiery arguments are far from uncommon between us. It's a constant struggle to fix the things you need to improve upon as a couple and as an individual. What's more, we're both very headstrong and opinionated (imagine Newt Gingrich marrying himself), so when we come to blows, we come to blows.
Thankfully, we're quick to forgive and Brock is very patient (I'M WORKIN' ON IT, OKAY???????). More importantly, we're committed. Watch out ya'll, because I'm about to quote "The Bachelor" all up in hurrr: I remember watching the season premiere a few weeks ago, and Nikki was talking about her first marriage and why it failed. She said something to the extent of "After a few years, it just wasn't the same. There was no spark, we weren't the same couple." I wanted to yell at the television saying WTF GIRRRRRRL WHAT DO YOU THINK MARRIAGE IS??? YOU SHOULDN'T BE THE SAME COUPLE THE WHOLE TIME. YOU GROW AND ADJUST AND DEVELOP TOGETHER, IDJIT. (Yes, I said "idjit" in my brain. No, I am not thirteen years old.)
The wonderful (and sometimes scary) aspect of Mormon marriages is that we believe the covenants we make to each other are eternal. None of this til-death-do-us-part business. So you'd freaking better learn to like the one you love because they're gonna be around for a loooooong time.
Something I've learned along the way is that you can never think your marriage is "safe." What I mean by that is the mentality of Oh! We reached the 1/2/3/4/5/20-year mark! If we can make it this far, we can do anything! We're going to be together forever! As soon as you start thinking like that, you're screwed. Marriage isn't a game, it's a process. Whether you've been married for four months or forty years, your chance of success is just as good as everyone else's: 50/50.
I had a professor at BYU who put things perfectly:
"Every couple comes to a point in their marriage--usually five years down the road, sometimes sooner, sometimes later--when they look at each other and think WHY ARE WE TOGETHER???? ARE WE CRAZY???? Any couple who tells you that they never got to that point is lying. Rest assured, everyone does. And the marriages that work are the ones where, in that moment, the guy and the gal remember their promises."In closing, I want to reiterate that Brock is a wonderful man (despite the occasional proliferation of "that's what she said" jokes) and that I don't take him for granted. It takes a real man to put up with a real woman, and boy does he. We haven't got it all together, but we manage to keep it together.
Our marriage is rocky sometimes just like everyone else's, promise.
And sometimes it's ROCKY!!!!!!!!
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i read a quote from recently engaged jessica simpson. some reporter asked her if this marriage was forever and she said "if right now could last forever, i'd take it." newsflash! "right now"--or that period of infatuation and giggles and chills--doesn't ever last forever. so i can tell you right now that as soon as those feelings wear off her new marriage is gonna take a downward turn as sharp as her younger sister's pre-op nose.
ReplyDeletenote: here's the source of that quote (http://www.instyle.com/instyle/package/general/photos/0,,20352342_20355442_21086974,00.html)
It's true that marriage takes a lot of work and that you do have to continue to adjust to each other. But people who are willing to do that tend to have a great marriage over all, so while it may not be perfect, I hope you're marriage is great. =)
ReplyDeleteI really liked this post. Such a great thought and something I think a lot of people don't think about. Loves to you, Kristi!
Loved this post! It's so true! My friend was just telling me that she went to a girl's night and one of the wives said in four years of marriage her and her husband have never had a fight, they're just really similar and compatible. Um, barf. Even if you are similar and compatible you still fight! I think it was President Hinckley (and I'm totally going to butcher the quote so I'll just paraphrase) that said there might even be some years that are bad, but there will also be really good years. The important thing is that the good always outweighs the bad! Thanks for sharing Kristi!
ReplyDeleteI thought I’d just share my thought on this since I’ve thought about this “perfect” marriage mirage people have about some couples. I used to be so embarrassed about my "cockroaches" as the Russians say because I was sure the nice LDS couple downstairs could hear my occasional screaming at Vitali and you know two phones I broke by chucking them at the wall and the like….yeah about that temper… I’ve totally lost it several times in the past but I’m getting a lot better and I think what works for you and us – forgiveness (including apologies) and commitment is all it really takes, though that being said it’s not always easy to stick to those things and to stick it out. We are wildly happy together, but we defiantly hit a point where we felt like we were falling apart, but didn’t even think of splitting because of our commitment level – what a blessing! I’d be missing out on the greatest happiness of my life if we did give up. I think it’s time for people, especially in LDS culture, to be more open about the hard facts of marriage (without talking negatively about their spouse) so that other people know that they’re not the “dysfunctional couple” who doesn’t have a chance. One of the points of marriage (if not THE point) is growth. If anyone was perfect then I don’t know what deep purpose there is to get married for. Oh sure you can say, “But we’d be so happy if we never had any problems/arguments.” News flash I’d like to tell people who think anyone has the nearly perfect relationship: we came to earth to go through adversity in order to know the greatest joy possible and that adversity is included in marriage so that through the growth and forgiveness we find the greatest happiness and love in marriage. PS later that semester that nice couple downstairs got a divorce…. Assuming anyone has it all that great or easy really is a big mistake!
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