Honest Cover Letters: Part One



Dear Sir/Madam:

Let's be honest, you're lucky I'm even applying. This position doesn't require a college degree, but you're asking for four years of "relevant" experience? TO BE A SECRETARY? You must be trippin'. Wanna know how long it would take me to master the skills required to do this job? Four minutes. That either makes me a Ninja Secretary or a person with an IQ in the triple digits. HINT: I'm both.

I would excel at this job because I am not a total moron. Microsoft Office? I'm all over that shiz. Phone-answering? Done. Data entry? PWNED. You probably don't even know what PWNED means, don't you? Maybe you would if you had four years of "relevant" experience . . .

I'm organized, a team-player, go-getter, dependable, blah blah blah, I'm just hoping the internet spiders in your hiring system find those words, blah blah blah. I don't even really need this job, you know? I got a sugar-daddy husband who is basically paying my way through life right now. The thing is though, we'd like to save a little more than we're currently able to and c'mon, Blendtec blenders don't just grow on TREES. I need your money. You need a new hire whose semi-competent and can make herself look busy for the 85% of the workday that's devoid of obligations. It's pretty much fate. You probably didn't even notice that I used the wrong "whose/who's" did you? Like I said, you're lucky I'm applying.

I promise to ooh and ahh over pictures of your cat if you promise not to judge me when I clock out at 5:00PM on the dot. What, you think this is my dream job? The best time to reach me is whenever since I'm a worthless piece of crap who writes faux cover letters on her blog. I'm available to work whenever, and by "whenever" I mean no weekends or evenings. I look forward to hearing from you so we can talk more about this position that will in no way advance my career goals.


Kristi Boyce


  1. get rejected from a crappy job i take it? oh and i was gonna comment on your "whose" error but you did it on purpose to make a point. so i'll just comment that it should be "You probably don't even know what PWNED means, DO you?"

  2. Sorry I'm officially a stalker, just discovered that facebook stalking is a riot. For those silliots like me, here is what pwned means... http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pwned
    Which, Kristi, by the way, I hope you were obsessed with playing warcraft, and that's how you found that out ;)

  3. Dear Kristi,

    I am sorry to report that I do not think you should be hired at a mediocre job. I insist that you either A) Run for public office, or B) write a novel. Fiction, non-fiction, I'm not particular. But your calling is greater than answering phones and looking at cat pictures.

    Your future agent.

  4. This was awesome. And is it not a fact that every secretary job requires 4 years of experience? Where do I get it if you all require it? But no fear, isn't there a Tucanos in Salt Lake?

  5. Oh Kristi... It's been far too long since I've checked out your blog. And you took the words right out of my mind on this one. Well done!



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