Future Me


I was MIA last week.

You'll notice in my last blog post (written on Monday) I had grand plans to finish writing about Costa Rica. I was going to be productive  last week! On my to-do list were two projects around the house, lots of running, fulfilling some church assignments, etc.

But then my body (and brain) got all funky on me. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that even though I wasn't sick  sick, I could tell I wasn't normal. Physically, emotionally--things were off and I didn't know why. 

PMS? Pregnancy? Nope, nope. It was like I had turned into a wimp overnight. I didn't want to do anything, see anyone, go anywhere. The smallest things overwhelmed me. I cried. A LOT. But then I did something brave.

I gave a talk in church about feminism. It was scary because Mormon feminists have all sorts of uphill battles to climb in terms of, you know, people not hating us. I hoped people wouldn't misunderstand my words. 

I think much of what I felt last week was due to confusion. In case you haven't heard, your 20's are rough. Who am I? Who should I be? What do I want? What SHOULD I want? Where do I go from here? You're standing at the edge of your future and going OMG, IT'S HERE. IT'S REALLY HERE.

I think Mormon women feel this acutely because of the conflicting ideals pulling us in different directions. I won't speak for others, but I take on a lot of guilt. Guilt for wanting some things, guilt for not wanting others, guilt for twinges of resentment, guilt for being stubborn, myopic, difficult. 

The talk I delivered seemed to strike a chord with people (in a good way). I was relieved that the response was positive, but even if it hadn't been, I would've been alright. I didn't need that talk to be a validation of my beliefs. I needed a chance to be brave again.

I guess it's dumb to ask Now, how did God know that?  because, well, He is  God and all. But three weeks ago, when I was assigned to speak in church, I had no idea how much I would need it.

If God was looking out for Future Me then, I bet He's looking out for Future Me now.

And that's really, really  nice to know.


See here for the article I based my talk on. 


  1. Way to be brave :) Hope you feel better!

  2. 20's = guilt? hehehe.
    Church is a wonderful thing, making us focus on something other than our wee selves. My hubby's family are Mormon, and I have no disagreement with their belief. How can you argue with helping one another? Not me.
    However, guilt has no boundries, no matter our belief. I see all the time about the idea of "living with no regret." It brings me to a responsible and thoughtful place of action where I might think two or three times about my decisions along the way.
    The twenties are all about your questions, the thirties have their own questions, by the forties you're probably pretty comfortable with where we are, but the fifties, for me, bring me right back to my decisions throughout my life. And back to guilt. Dang it!
    Live rightously, with love, and your humor. You'll be fine.
    Sorry, didn't mean to go on like this. Enjoying your blog!

  3. Hey Kristi,
    I miss your updates. I look forward to them and always read every word with much anticipation! Hope all is well.
    Shannon Swain


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