The Bridal Photo Shoot From Hell

20130610

Hi there.

It's been a while since I've blogged. The thing about sucking at blogging is that it gets progressively MORE awkward to resume once you've been away for a bit. Like when you run into a friend who you should  have been keeping in touch with, but dammit Netflix doesn't just watch itself amirite???

I have a lot to catch up on. And perhaps the best way to segue into all that/apologize for being lame is to give you a virtual peace offering. A gift.

Ladies and gentleman: My bridal pictures.

Like many brides, I cried when I first saw my bridal photos. Unlike many brides, I cried because they were AWFUL. They are currently saved on my computer in a folder called "Fuglyness".

I feel the need to provide context for what you are about to see. These were taken about a week before my wedding, and I specifically remember being exhausted that day. Freshman year hadn't been kind to my body in terms of eating and sleeping habits, so maybe my body was detoxing? Your guess is as good as mine. In any case, I'm a bit chubby in these photos as I prance about in an ill-fitting, rented dress. (I'm all for the idea of renting a wedding dress in general, but would I choose that dress a second time? Helllll naw.)

These were the dark and dreary days before Pinterest. Compounding that problem was the fact that the first wedding I ever went to was my own. I had no idea how any of this was supposed to work (except for the whole getting-to-have-sex-that-night thing, not that what we did tried to do could even reasonably be called "sex").

My mother was unaware that brides in 2007 did things differently than brides in 1985, so little things–like getting an updo for my bridal pictures and using a bouquet of flowers that you didn't buy from the refrigerated section of Smith's–fell through the cracks. (Don't worry, she made up for it by using Costco giftcards to buy my wedding cake.) She did know that my nails should be in tip-top shape for photos, so she took me to get a manicure. Oh, wait. That didn't happen. She picked up a white eyeliner pencil at Walgreens and DREW WHITE UNDERNEATH MY FINGERNAILS. That's what we in the Thomas family call a Faux-rench manicure.

There is truly no explanation for these photos. I will do my best via captions.


PRO-TIP: INCORPORATE NATURE INTO YOUR PHOTOS WITH BIRD CRAP IN THE BACKGROUND 

LOOKING INTO YOUR SOUL 


MY HEADSHOT FOR "WORLD WAR Z"


PURPLE EYELINER: TIMELESS


STEVEN SEAGAL IN DRAG


CANKLES ON MY HANDS


I AM EIGHTEEN GOING ON WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING



PRO-TIP: SCHEDULE BRIDAL PHOTOS AT THE PEAK OF NOON-DAY SUN


AQUANET IS ALL WE NEED TO TURN THIS PHOTO SHOOT AROUND


YOU CAN'T SEE MY FACE AND I'M PRETTY SURE MY PHOTOGRAPHER DID THAT ON PURPOSE


HEY REMEMBER WHEN THE TULIPS WERE IN BLOOM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO?
 YEAH, THAT WOULD'VE BEEN A GREAT TIME TO SCHEDULE BRIDALS 


FOLLOW ME TO MY SECRET GARDEN


WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER FOLLOW ME TO MY SECRET GARDEN???


TOKEN COY SMILE GONE WRONG


JOKE'S ON YOU! I'M A BIRD, BITCHES.

6 COMMENTS:

  1. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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  2. I read this with Chase tonight and we couldn't stop laughing- and that was before we saw any photos! Thank you for being so awesome! Also, Chase has offered to photoshop the bird crap out of the photos... He doesn't know if it will help. ;)

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  3. I truly, TRULY feel your pain.

    P.s. do not ever let your uncle Paul pick out your wedding photographer.

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  4. Bahahahaha. I'm reading this at work and I ACTUALLy laughed out loud...a lot.

    Particularly at "why doesn't anyone want to follow me into my secret garden" and "jokes on you. I'm a bird, bitches"

    Ahh..I'm laughing again just remembering it.

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  5. OMG OMG I AM DYING. hahahahahaha. The last 2 pictures take the cake.
    But to be a little optimistic... the first picture (with the bird poop) is pretty nice. :) Maybe just put it in b&w.

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  6. I AM DYING. Thank you for posting your blog on facebook. This is pure gold.

    ReplyDelete

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