The Best of SkyMall

What airplane seat pocket would be complete without a few dried children's boogers and the latest issue of SkyMall? SkyMall  is like QVC for non-Midwesterners. Need a $100 pool float? No? WELL, NOW YOU DO. Because there it is, in SkyMall, with that white woman who just looks so happy using it. (Oh, yes. In the 111-page issue of the Late Spring 2012 issue, I counted one minority.)

In honor of everything this aerial garage sale has to offer, I present to you: The SkyMall  Awards.

THE "EXPLOITATION OF NEUROTIC PET OWNERS" AWARD

360 Stainless Steel Fountain: $100 "The 360 Stainless Steel Fountain provides up to five, free-falling water streams improving your pet's health by encouraging them to drink more." 

THE "FOR DESPERATE ATTENTION-SEEKERS ONLY" AWARD: IT'S A TIE!

Orbitwheels: $100 "A cross between a skateboard and inline skates, but with more freedom and simplicity than either." (Also with less getting-laid potential than either.)

Large Super Skate Sail: $80 "A great new way to get both adults and kids outside and moving if they're sitting around the TV too much."

THE "MOMMY GOT PAID $50 FOR ME TO MODEL THIS PRODUCT AND SWEARS SHE PUT IT IN MY 529 ACCOUNT" AWARD

Seatbelt Comfort Device: $10 "A poorly fitting seatbelt can cause irritation, pain, choking and general discomfort while driving or riding." Choking, eh? Really?  

THE "BLATANT SNUGGIE TRADEMARK VIOLATION" AWARD

The Slanket: $33 "Here's the best blanket--hands down--for snuggling up with a book or laptop computer." HANDS DOWN . . . GET IT???

THE "SATANTIC CAT" AWARD: IT'S A TIE!

The Litter Kwitter: $50 "With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less."

Litter Robot: $360 "Self-cleaning litter box features a patented sifting process that automatically activates 7 minutes after the cat leaves the box, transferring waste into a hidden drawer, leaving the globe with fresh clean litter for the next use." In other words: YOU JUST SPENT NEARLY 400 BUCKS TO CLEAN UP YOUR CAT'S SHIT.

THE "MY INFRARED SAUNA IS PORTABLE, DAWG, SO SUCK ON THAT" AWARD

Portable Infrared Sauna: $400 "The extra large Portable Infrared Sauna provides relief from pain, arthritis and joint stiffness and it promotes healthy weight loss without hormonal imbalance."

THE "WAS A PICTURE OF A PEEING DOG REALLY NECESSARY" AWARD

Dog Trainer Device: $30 "Our Dog Trainer Device quickly trains your puppy or adult dog to use a designated area of your yard." And here is an action shot for proof.

THE "LLOYD BLANKFEIN" AWARD

33-piece Leather Conference Room Set: $1482 Yes. $1500 smackers for this. Divided into 75 easy payments of $19.99!

THE "SO REDNECK IT'S AWESOME" AWARD

Original Redneck Glassware: $15-$30 "Redneck class in a long-stem glass; your moonshine never had it this good. Elevates the fine art of drinking out of a jelly jar." OK, I seriously want these. Not kidding.

THE "YOU KNOW WHAT THIS ROOM IS MISSING? AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH PILLOW" AWARD

Food Pillows: $20 "We dreamed we ate an ice cream sandwich and when we woke up our pillow was gone . . . Completely dreamy pillows look like the real thing, right down to the delicious detailing." For a classy touch, go with the sushi.

THE "AND THIS IS WHY EUROPEANS MAKE FUN OF AMERICAN FASHION" AWARD

Animated Shark and Raptor Hoodies: $42 "Use it to work your way through a crowd--or just to amaze young ones." Like Crocs for your elbows.

THE "NEW BEDTIME RITUAL" AWARD

Fireworks In My Room: $45 "It's like the Fourth of July, each and every night. Create a new bedtime ritual by shooting off the realistic laser-light fireworks that burst and expand beautifully on your walls and ceiling." I really just posted this picture for the kid's face. Awesome.

THE "RODIN IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE" AWARD

Squirrel Thinker: $25 "'Now where did I leave those nuts?' He may not be the smartest squirrel in the squad, but he does do a great imitation of a great work of art. That counts for something, right?" One question: "Squirrel in the squad??"  Is that a thing now?

THE "LET'S SCARE THE GRANDKIDS" AWARD

Skel-E-Gnomes: $40 "These overworked garden friends will make your neighbors and passersby look twice. They've been garden-guarding so long they're nothing but skin and bones."

THE "COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE PURCHASE" AWARD

Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti Statue: $1500 I want to meet the person who spent $1500 for a life-size Bigfoot statue. Does such a person exist? Are they married? Are they rich? So many questions.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER! 

THE "WHAT THE FUUUUHH" AWARD

The Zombie of Montclaire Moors Statue: $100