Such A Woman

Last night I was talking to a friend about how some of the best and most important decisions of our lives require a little bit of irrationality, to which he responded "Haha such a woman." It wasn't worth starting a fight over so I blew it off, but dang did that get my blood boiling.

I am tired of hearing the stereotypes--even in jest--of women as irrational, silly, weak, needy, or, my personal favorite, psycho. (For excellent commentary on these things--written by a man, no less!--read here and here.) People, they're not funny. They're not cute. They're offensive. And if you think I'm being hyper-sensitive, congratulations! You've just devalued my feelings about stereotypes by using another  stereotype! Wow!

This morning, my fifteen-year old sister put away the dishes in the dishwasher and hand-washed a sink full of dirty ones. She then went on to clean the disgusting bathroom which she shares with three brothers. Fifteen years old and she did all of this on her own volition. She saw something that needed to be done, and she took care of it. Such a woman, indeed.

Meanwhile, I spent an hour shoveling two feet of snow out of the driveway. I saw that our cul-de-sac was in dire need of snow removal (the city never plows it since we live outside of city limits), so I took our Excursion and spent twenty minutes doing donuts in the snow until it was sufficiently cleared away or at least patted down. I noticed that my truck and my dad's Prius were still  stuck in snow, so I spent another half-hour shoveling around them. I did all of this in a bathrobe and on an empty stomach. Such a woman, indeed.

I came in from outside--sweaty and with calluses forming on my hands--to discover my three brothers watching TV downstairs.

We were all raised by the same parents, in the same place, with the same values. What excuse do they have for their inability to look outside themselves? (Granted, two of them are young, but I wouldn't be saying this if I hadn't noticed the issue with my two older  younger brothers.) I don't have an answer for that, and a good one may very well exist, but it sure would be nice if they acted and thought more like the women in this house.

So ladies, the next time a man throws a woman-jab at you, take it as a compliment. Or smack him in the face--whichever you feel is more appropriate. You can also kindly remind him that you are the reason why his penis isn't one inch long.

At primate level, the male penis is an unimpressive organ. So far from terrorizing any female, the average King Kong can only provoke sympathy for his meager endowment in relation to his vast bulk. Man, however, developed something disproportionately large in this line, and can truly afford to feel himself lord of creation in the penile particular. And he owes it to woman. Quite simply, when femina aspiring to be erecta hoisted herself onto her hind legs and walked, the angle of the vagina swung forward and down, and the vagina itself moved deeper into the body. The male penis then echoed the vagina's steady progress, following the same evolutionary principle as the giraffe's neck: it grew in order to get something it could not otherwise reach (Miles, 24).

For further reading on this subject, see  Nigel Calder's Timescale (1984), Desmond Morris' The Naked Ape (1967), Rosalind Miles' The Women's History of the World (2001), and Elaine Morgan's The Descent of Woman (1972).

So men, the next time you feel the need to brag about the size of your member, please locate the nearest woman to you and thank her for her cavernous vagina.

It's the sole reason why you've got a pickle, not a gherkin.