The Bridal Photo Shoot From Hell: Part II

Oh, you thought that was all the ugly I had in me? Wrong. Merry Christmas, y'all.

WANNABE HILARY CLINTON

ANTS' EYE VIEW

CHECKING MY PULSE VERY EARNESTLY

JOHN STAMOS HAIR

MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. 
PREPARE TO DIE.

RUNNING LOW ON LIP GLOSS

BRIDAL POWER STANCE

TOTALLY NATURAL

SHOWING THIS TO THE GRANDKIDS 

LITERALLY LOOK LIKE A DEAD PERSON

I HAD 40 BEEF CHALUPAS BEFORE THIS PHOTO SHOOT

I ATE THEM IN MY SECRET GARDEN

The Bridal Photo Shoot From Hell

Hi there.

It's been a while since I've blogged. The thing about sucking at blogging is that it gets progressively MORE awkward to resume once you've been away for a bit. Like when you run into a friend who you should  have been keeping in touch with, but dammit Netflix doesn't just watch itself amirite???

I have a lot to catch up on. And perhaps the best way to segue into all that/apologize for being lame is to give you a virtual peace offering. A gift.

Ladies and gentleman: My bridal pictures.

Like many brides, I cried when I first saw my bridal photos. Unlike many brides, I cried because they were AWFUL. They are currently saved on my computer in a folder called "Fuglyness".

I feel the need to provide context for what you are about to see. These were taken about a week before my wedding, and I specifically remember being exhausted that day. Freshman year hadn't been kind to my body in terms of eating and sleeping habits, so maybe my body was detoxing? Your guess is as good as mine. In any case, I'm a bit chubby in these photos as I prance about in an ill-fitting, rented dress. (I'm all for the idea of renting a wedding dress in general, but would I choose that dress a second time? Helllll naw.)

These were the dark and dreary days before Pinterest. Compounding that problem was the fact that the first wedding I ever went to was my own. I had no idea how any of this was supposed to work (except for the whole getting-to-have-sex-that-night thing, not that what we did tried to do could even reasonably be called "sex").

My mother was unaware that brides in 2007 did things differently than brides in 1985, so little things–like getting an updo for my bridal pictures and using a bouquet of flowers that you didn't buy from the refrigerated section of Smith's–fell through the cracks. (Don't worry, she made up for it by using Costco giftcards to buy my wedding cake.) She did know that my nails should be in tip-top shape for photos, so she took me to get a manicure. Oh, wait. That didn't happen. She picked up a white eyeliner pencil at Walgreens and DREW WHITE UNDERNEATH MY FINGERNAILS. That's what we in the Thomas family call a Faux-rench manicure.

There is truly no explanation for these photos. I will do my best via captions.

PRO-TIP: INCORPORATE NATURE INTO YOUR PHOTOS WITH BIRD CRAP IN THE BACKGROUND 

LOOKING INTO YOUR SOUL 

MY HEADSHOT FOR "WORLD WAR Z"

PURPLE EYELINER: TIMELESS

STEVEN SEAGAL IN DRAG

CANKLES ON MY HANDS

I AM EIGHTEEN GOING ON WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING

PRO-TIP: SCHEDULE BRIDAL PHOTOS AT THE PEAK OF NOON-DAY SUN

AQUANET IS ALL WE NEED TO TURN THIS PHOTO SHOOT AROUND

YOU CAN'T SEE MY FACE AND I'M PRETTY SURE MY PHOTOGRAPHER DID THAT ON PURPOSE

HEY REMEMBER WHEN THE TULIPS WERE IN BLOOM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO?
 YEAH, THAT WOULD'VE BEEN A GREAT TIME TO SCHEDULE BRIDALS 

FOLLOW ME TO MY SECRET GARDEN

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER FOLLOW ME TO MY SECRET GARDEN???

TOKEN COY SMILE GONE WRONG

JOKE'S ON YOU! I'M A BIRD, BITCHES.

Upper West Side: Drunk Version

Yesterday morning I went to Columbus Circle yet again to claim my prime seating at Anderson Cooper's talk show. And guys. I WILL BE ON TV. Not because I interacted with Anderson Cooper at all, but because the roving crowd-cameraman was li-ter-ra-lly in my face for most of the show. As soon as he realized that I had an expressive face, BAM. All up in my grillz.

I tried to act as naturally as possible, but I'm new to the whole being world-famous thing. My hope is that when Anderson watches that recorded show, he goes Hey? Who is that girl in the audience? And the producers are all We don't know, but she left this glass slipper . . . and Anderson's like Holy hell she wears a size 10? and they're all Yeah, weird.

I'm glad I went back to the show because I actually enjoyed this particular episode a lot more. Plus, I got two free books! Cha-ching!  It wasn't Oprah's Favorite Things, but it was as close as I've come so I was pret-ty  jazzed about it.

The taping ended at around 12:30 so I had the whole afternoon sprawled out before me. Suggestively. HAHAHAHA what would an afternoon looks like if it sprawled out before you suggestively? Maybe something like this???

I work ouuut!! I work ouuutt!!

Guess that's why they call it AFTERNOON delight, ya'll. All this time you thought it was a euphemism.

Oh, guys. It's been a long day and I feel like I'm drunk-blogging. I think I'll just call it a night here and try for Take 2 tomorrow morning. Check back then ;)

Here is a picture of Steven Seagal looking constipated.

Also:

Seven Things You Didn't Know About Steven Seagal

Loyal blog followers know that I have a connection to B-list movie actor Steven Seagal.

I found this article on the internetz today and just couldn't help but share.

1. Steven Seagal speaks fluent Japanese

2. Jean-Claude Van Damme challenged Steven Seagal to a duel

3. A mystical dog saved Steven's dojo in Japan

4. Steven Seagal was a 17th century monk in a past life

5. Steven Seagal was poisoned in 1994 by a mysterious opponent

6. Steven Seagal broke Sean Connery's wrist

7. Steven Seagal had a tuxedo tailor-made to conceal two firearms

I am not making this up.

Seriously, read the article. Best line?

"The fact that Seagal is by all appearances a slow, overweight, narcissistic fraud incapable of hurting anything other than his own reputation simply means he’s expertly manipulated you into putting down your guard."

People. He is Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and James Bond all rolled up into one BADBUM BURRITO.

Except better.

BECAUSE HE'S REAL.

Celebrity Look-Alikes

I don't have the best luck in this department. A couple years ago, a guy in a class asked me "Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like a celebrity?" Flattered, I said, "Well, a couple times here and there. Why?"

"Because I think you kind of look like Heath Ledger."

A few years prior to that experience, I was talking about the subject with my dad. Some people at school had told me that I looked like Julia Stiles. I asked him if he knew who she was.

"Oh, isn't she that ugly girl from Save the Last Dance?"

NOTE: MY OWN FATHER INDIRECTLY CALLED ME UGLY.

My fate, apparently, hasn't changed much. The other day as I was showing Brock some old pictures from the dreaded 2001-2005 period, he made the comment that I looked like Steven Seagal. If you don't know who that is, you're not the only one.

Steven's a B-list actor who appears in low-grossing wannabe Michael Bay movies. Here is a sampling of his repertoire which, as you might infer from the titles, transcends both genres and time:

• 2001 Exit Wounds, Ticker
• 2002 Half Past Dead
• 2003 The Foreigner, Out for a Kill, Belly of the Beast
• 2004 Out of Reach, Clementine
• 2005 Into the Sun, Submerged, Today You Die, Black Dawn
• 2006 Mercenary for Justice, Shadow Man, Attack Force
• 2007 Flight of Fury, Urban Justice
• 2008 Pistol Whipped, Kill Switch
• 2009 Against the Dark, Driven to Kill
• 2010 A Dangerous Man, Machete, Born to Raise Hell

It's a sad day when the celebrity your husband says you used to look like is:

• Not of your gender
• Nowhere to be found on Blockbuster shelves
• STEVEN SEAGAL

On the flip side, Steven Seagal is a BADASS. Movie star, policeman, singer-songwriter (you haven't bought his albums??), aikido expert, energy drink maker, PETA activist, Buddhist, owns a dude ranch in Colorado. But you just wanna know what he looks like. Behold: