My Bomb Mom

Everyone's a critic.

The thing about having a blog is that everyone's alllllways looking for a shout-out. The woman from whose womb I came has a bone to pick with me. Apparently, I have insinuated in various posts that I was a disappointment to my mother. That she forced prim-and-proper French braids on me, when all I wanted to be was Mowgli. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned  cotillion yet.

On the flip side, this lovely woman seems to think that I give undue praise to the other parent who raised me. What with all my talk about his badassery (my mom swears--it's okay), his insanity, and general hardcoreness.

So, Mommie Dearest, this post goes out to you: I want to let everyone know how great you are. Sources tell me that I'm turning into you more and more every day, so obviously  you must be cool to some extent (otherwise I would have nothing in common with you).

1. She's a regular Babe-raham Lincoln.

Look that that hottie. Isn't he a stud? Oops--I forgot this post wasn't about Dad. Rewind.

Look at that hottie. Isn't she a babe? How does a person who's given birth to six kids come out looking that good? Most 20-somethings don't share clothes with their mom because their mom has butt-nasty taste in clothing. I don't share clothes with my mom BECAUSE I CAN'T FIT INTO HERS.

2. She's old-school.

Even though it took years for me to forgive my mom for the Spoon Incident of 1996 (she made me set down and pick up my spoon--holding it correctly--100 times), in retrospect I am so grateful for an old-school mom who values manners, class, and propriety. Because heaven knows I was not naturally imbued with a sense for any of those. She taught me to write thank-you notes promptly, hold my silverware correctly, set a table, walk with my back straight, chew discreetly, and put myself together each day.

I'm also grateful that her prim-and-proper ways are balanced out with a healthy dose of attitude. My mom is not afraid to speak her mind or put her kids in place when they show even the tiniest  amount of sass. For those interested: The best-tasting kind of soap is Dove.

3. She's freaking smart.

Aside from doing the Medicare billing for my dad's nine nursing homes that he works in (she's literally the CEO of her own one-woman company), my mom is also an options trader on the side. Yep. In her "spare time"--i.e. 3am-5am--she's taught herself about puts, calls, stock splits, ETFs, volatility, and everything else in between. And let me tell ya, she makes bank with that little hobby.

4. She's a great example of how a woman can be both feminine and strong.

My mom did all in her power to help me realize that it was okay to be feminine. She even elicited the help of my older cousin Sara--who was (is) so cool and so pretty--to come teach me how to do makeup. We went to Walmart, raided the cosmetics section, and then came home to put it all together. When I looked in the mirror to see the results, all I could think was "WHAT THE?!?! You were able to make me look like this?!" I'd never felt prettier or more confident.

I kept the old me. The girl who runs around, gets bruises, and laughs at poop jokes. But through my mom's dogged efforts, I realized that femininity was not something that weak girls are, but something that strong  girls know how to work. More than anything, I learned that from watching her. Every day, my mom puts on makeup, curls her hair, dresses nicely, and heads out into the world to get shiz done--whether it's flying off to Vegas for an investment seminar, taking care of her aging mother, or surviving yet another trip to hell--er, excuse me, Sam's Club--with spastic kids in tow.

5. She's Captain Efficient.

My mom never sits down during the day--no exaggeration. She is always running errands, cleaning parts of the house that I didn't even know could get dirty (door hinges often have black, oily residue around them--who notices that?!?), billing, making dinner, dropping kids off at x/y/z, exercising, landscaping, etc. I really admire my mom because she is not a procrastinator and runs a tighter ship than most Navy admirals out there. Get this: Sometimes if she's having trouble sleeping, she'll just get up and start doing chores. At two o'clock in the morning! Her philosophy? "Well, if I can't sleep I might as well be productive."

What a freak.

6. She's health-conscious, but real.

Our fridge is stocked with organic produce, but Mom doesn't go overboard with it--mostly because Caden and Connor would stage a mutiny if she took away those Twinkies. On top of that, my mom is always trying out new vitamins and minerals. She and my Grandma Kern single-handedly keep Puritan's Pride in business.

At the same time, I never saw her yo-yo dieting. Her priority was always on health, not being skinny, and I think that was really important for me to see as a growing teenager.

Plus, the Kern Sweet Tooth is infamous. So while you may find a huge bag of organic romaine in our fridge, it's probably sitting on top of a quadruple chocolate fudge cake from Costco. Moderation in all things, ya'll.

7. She's a spendthrift.

My mom has never seen the logic in buying a $100 blouse at Nordstrom when you can get it six weeks later at the Rack for $30. She's knows that you don't need a lot of money for you, your house, or your children to look nice. I love that about her. 

(For the record, honey, that doesn't mean I would feel bad if you bought me this.)

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Anyway, this post is getting a little long--yes, Mom, I know you don't mind but others do--and it's time for me to start cranking away on some homework. In closing, I just want to say that I'm so lucky to have a person who's strong, smart, selfless, compassionate, and a wonderful parent.

Oh, and my mom's pretty cool, too.