So You Want To Humblebrag On Facebook

20120511

Allow me to take a break from regularly scheduled content--that is, no content (SORRY!!! I'M TRYNNA DECURATE MAH HOUSE)--to offer a quick tutorial for the ladies.

We all know that social media platforms provide quick-fixes for wilty egos. We can self-select the best of ourselves to put on display, highlighting only the most exciting, most raw, and most sexy  things about us. Ours are the days of Instagram: A couple filters are all you need to even out your skin tone and heck, while you're at it, add a tan.

But let's face it. Despite our best efforts, there are some days when you're just always one-upped. Camping in Yosemite? That kid from fourth-grade is trekking in the Alps. On days like this, it's good to have THE ULTIMATE FACEBOOK HUMBLEBRAG TRUMP CARDS FOR LADIES.

  • POST A PICTURE OF YOURSELF IN A SWIMSUIT and then make an offhand comment about how it's a "beautiful day at the beach! <3" Just wait for the comments and likes to roll in! The OMG YOU'RE SOOOO SKINNY!!!s and the STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOWs will flood your inbox like the waves crashing upon that beach that you coyly used as an excuse to post a picture of your half-naked body! You'll fool everyone!!!
  • POST A PICTURE OF THE HEALTHY FOOD YOU'RE EATING. A lunch of quinoa and salmon? Don't keep that to yourself, sister! You're not bragging . . . you're inspiring. 
  • PICK AN AMAZING CONCERT VENUE AND TAG YOURSELF AT IT. I don't care if you're not at the Bowery watching a Bob Dylan concert. You are tonight. And when people ask why you're in New York, don't respond. That'll only make them stalk you more (MISSION ACCOMPLISHED). I mean c'mon, how else are they going to see photos of all those beautiful beaches you go to?!
  • BUY PLANE TICKETS TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND POST A SCREENSHOT. Here's the trick, you don't even have to really buy  them. Just go through the motions until you get to the credit card page. All you need is a screenshot of SLC-->CGD $1200.  Say you're going for a film festival/fashion week, and when the time comes, express dismay that a "family emergency" came up (again, BE SURE TO DO THIS ON FACEBOOK). Bonus points for flying on foreign airlines or for an itinerary that includes a third-world country.
  • TAG YOURSELF AT THE LOCAL BIKRAM YOGA STUDIO. So hot, so pure. Don't do yoga? DOESN'T MATTER.
  • POST A PICTURE OF YOURSELF AT A STATE FAIR WEARING A CROP TOP AND TELL EVERYONE YOU'RE AT COACHELLA. Like they'll know the difference.

You're welcome.

5 COMMENTS:

  1. HAHAHHAH Kristi... Sadly, I'm somewhat guilty... If I am doing sometime cool (which is rare) I NEED TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT IT.

    And you missed one:
    the pic of the treadmill/running shoes pic... tagged at Gold's Gym... "workin' on my fitness."
    Ughhhhhhh

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  2. Kristi. You are echoing my thoughts exactly--so when I call this blog brilliant, it's just another humblebrag. I am working on a blog currently entitled, "Hey, you! You're cupcakes are stressing me out." It contains a similar thread.

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  3. Love this. Jenna's "tagged at Gold's gym" is a good one too. You are awesome.

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  4. Love this! Although I should probably tone down my food posts. :) This is so spot on!

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  5. I'm not sure what it is, but I derive great pleasure in knowing all the things I could post...and don't. Then it makes me giggle when I see everyone else trying to validate their existence to people they don't know, don't care to know or will never see again.

    As a single, 27 year old...posting a picture with a gentleman will ensure stalking by ALL of my facebook friends.

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